Comprehensive List: How Abusers Prevent Their Victims From Leaving
People often blame domestic violence victims for not leaving abusive relationships, mistakenly believe that leaving is a simple choice.
They overlook the many financial, emotional, and physical barriers that abusers put in place to prevent their victims from safely leaving and largely lack an understanding of the realities of domestic violence.
“Why don’t they just leave?”
Some people believe their questions (“Why don’t you just leave?”) or statements (“I would never put up with that”) in response to domestic violence are said out of concern or genuine confusion when, in reality, they are blaming the victim. The act of holding the victim of a harmful or traumatic event responsible for the actions of the perpetrator is victim blaming–no matter what the intentions are.
Sadly, some people intentionally blame victims for a variety of reasons, whether they are perpetrators, have a vested interest in blaming a victim (e.g., lawyers, employers), incels, individuals that lack empathy, or just feel safer believing that they have the power to prevent becoming a victim themselves.
The truth that intimate partner violence (IPV)/domestic violence (DV) survivors and advocates know well is that though some abusers are physically abusive, perpetrators most often hold their partners captive with invisible chains by masterful manipulation and instilling intense fear.
Abusers don’t do it alone; they have help. Society at large helps abusers by adding victim blaming, stigma, and intersecting oppressions (e.g., misogyny, racism, homophobia, ableism, classism, etc.) to the mix. So, let’s look deeper at the “obvi you just leave” perceived solution to DV.
Diving deep to understand the dynamics of domestic violence and IPV
Leaving abuse is not the simple solution we’d like to believe exists. To deconstruct this harmful myth, it’s vital to understand:
what domestic violence actually looks like
why leaving is not a simple option for everyone
how abusers prevent their partners from leaving
To begin, we must use our imagination.
When you hear the words “domestic violence,” what imagery comes to mind?
Is it a woman with a black eye?
A woman instilled with fear cowering in a corner while an angry man with clenched fists towers over her, threatening to strike her?
Perhaps you see police cars or a hospital visit for bruises and broken bones?
Though physical violence can be a significant aspect of DV, these simplistic depictions overlook the more complex, common, and insidious realities of intimate partner violence. If you do an image search for “domestic violence,” you will see the common stereotypes–the woman with a black eye, a male perpetrator–portrayed over and over again.
Google Image results for “domestic violence” that perpetuate the overly simplistic stereotypes of intimate partner violence.
Understanding why victims “don’t just leave” requires an intentional desire to understand and recognize that there are different types of abuse and tactics abusers use under the umbrella of domestic violence. These tactics abusers use to control, manipulate, and coerce their victims to stay in the relationship are subtle and may not include physical abuse that leaves visible marks.
In fact, several forms of physical abuse don’t involve being hit, punched, or kicked and, therefore, may never leave physical marks; these include:
driving recklessly
throwing objects at or near you
threatening you with a weapon
sleep and food deprivation
pushing and shoving
forcibly grabbing your clothing
pulling your hair
grabbing your face to make you look at them
preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere
The definition of “domestic violence” doesn’t mention physical abuse
Domestic violence and intimate partner violence are broadly defined as a pattern of behaviors and tactics used to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. The “behaviors and tactics” that people generally think of when they think of DV are the physical ones–the black eye, the broken bones–but notice that the definition of DV does not mention physical abuse.
What’s important is realizing the subtle tactics abusers employ–both physical and non-physical–to create a psychological prison that profoundly impacts survivors' ability to leave.
Types of abuse
There are many types of abuse, including verbal, psychological, emotional, financial, tech/digital, physical, and sexual–all of which are harmful.
Research shows that most people who experience abuse from a partner are experiencing multiple forms of abuse. This figure from a recent (2023) global study showed the co-occurrence of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence, and controlling behavior amongst 1392 cis-gendered women during COVID-19 social distancing measures.
Next, we discuss the insidious tactics abusers use to prevent their victims from leaving. These tactics often start slowly and subtly, creating the links on the invisible chains that prevent an escape.
Tactics abusers use to gain power and control
Abusers are master manipulators, and their goal is to maintain dominance over their partners.
They will use whatever means they need to gain and then keep power and control. These include manipulation, intimidation, isolation, financial control, and threats. These tactics abusers use are intentional to instill fear, dependence, and subjugation, making it difficult for victims to escape the abusive person. Abusers who hold positions of power in the community (police officers, judges, politicians, community leaders, celebrities, sports stars, etc.) are also able to wield their status, influence, power, and/or money as a tactic to maintain control over their partner. Abusers will often “escalate” to using physical abuse tactics only when other tactics aren’t enough to maintain control over their partner or to send a clear message that they are the ones in control.
Psychological manipulation tactics
There are several psychological manipulation tactics abusers use to prevent their victim(s) from leaving. These tactics include isolation, guilt and shame, and gaslighting.
Isolation tactics: Abusers often slowly isolate their partners from their support systems, such as friends, family members, mentors, and peers. This happens in a variety of ways but can start with something small, like a negative comment about a close friend:
Abuser: “It’s weird how Janae seems jealous of you. I don’t think she’s as good a friend as you think she is, Sienna.”
Sienna: “What do you mean? Why would Janae be jealous of me? We are really good friends...”
Abuser: “Something just felt off to me. She’s not dating anyone, and I think she’s jealous that we’re dating. One time, I saw her rolling her eyes when you were talking to some people about how we met.”
Sienna is confused by this. She decides to brush it off but the seed is planted, and she’s now looking for any non-verbal cues or statements Janae makes that might confirm that her friend is indeed jealous of her. Meanwhile, the abuser continues building a wedge between Sienna and Janae and casually says something to Janae the next time he sees her and Sienna isn’t around to hear it:
Abuser: “I know how close you and Sienna are, but it’s kind of weird how she talks about you behind your back…”
Janae: “What do you mean?”
Abuser: “I’ve just heard her mention how she thinks you’re jealous of her because she’s in a relationship and you aren’t.”
Janae: “Huh? I’m not jealous of her? It’s weird she would even say something like that…”
Abuser: “Well, she’s mentioned you being jealous of her a few times in front of me and some other people, so I thought I’d let you know.”
Janae: “I don’t know why she would say that. I need to talk to her.”
Abuser: “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Please don’t say I brought this up. I just thought you should know because I know you’re a nice person and a good friend to her.”
Leaving the conversation, Janae feels hurt and confused and decides to meet up with Sienna.
Janae: “Hey, it was brought to my attention that you think I’m jealous of you? WTF?”
Sienna: “Huh? I never said that. But apparently, you rolled your eyes when I talked about how my partner and I met.”
Janae: “I didn’t roll my eyes? I mean, I don’t get the best vibe from your partner–”
Sienna cutting off Janae: “What do you mean? Why can’t you just be happy for me??”
The abuser will continue building a wedge between Sienna and Janae by manipulating them and destroying their connection. As time goes on, the abuser will prevent Sienna from seeing Janae and make statements like, “I don’t want you to see Janae anymore. She’s not good for you, and you don’t need anyone in your life who doesn’t truly care about you as I do. I love you and want what’s best for you.” These tactics of isolation lead to very limited support options when exploring leaving an abuser because the social ties and supportive connections have been severed.
Blame-shifting, guilt, and shame tactics: Abusers will blame their partners and instill guilt and shame by pouncing on their partner’s insecurities. Blame, guilt, and shame tactics are used to slowly erode their victim’s self-esteem by questioning their loyalty and making them doubt their worth. Examples of blame, guilt, and shame tactics can include:
statements absolving them from responsibility, such as, “I wouldn't have to act this way if you were more considerate,” or “You know how I get when I drink.”
downplaying their words and actions, such as, “Wow, take a chill pill…it was just a joke,” or, “Here you go again, creating problems that don’t exist.”
guilting and shaming statements like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me,” or “How can you be so selfish? It’s always about you,” or, “No one else would ever put up with you…you are lucky to have me.”
criticisms (that become more frequent over time) about the victim’s appearance, intelligence, actions, and perceived shortcomings and flaws.
Again, this is often a slow process, starting with minor comments that sting a bit but are easily explained away by maybe just “a bad mood”, then escalating to extremely harmful verbal and emotional abuse. This can lead to a victim feeling they deserve to be in an abusive relationship and that the abuser is the only person who will “put up with them” and love them.
Gaslighting tactics: Distorting reality to make the victim doubt their perceptions or sanity is often an abuser’s specialty. If you listen to the stories survivors tell of the insidious, creatively cruel tactics their abusive partners used to make them feel and seem “crazy,” it will make your stomach turn.
For example, one story a survivor disclosed to us was about the disturbing behavior her husband would subject her to in the middle of the night. While she was sleeping, her husband would pull her eyelids up and shine a bright flashlight directly in her eyes and then turn it off and roll over as if he were asleep. She questioned him about what the hell he was doing, and he said, “What are you talking about? I would never do something like that; it must have been a dream.” When these things happen over and over and over, and your partner is telling you that you are imagining things, you begin to believe you are imagining things and that something is wrong with you. When you begin to doubt your own perceptions and judgements, you can become confused, isolated, and have lower self-esteem, giving the abuser the ability to more easily control you.
Examples of gaslighting can include:
being accused of accusations you know aren’t true and having to repeatedly defend yourself.
an abuser projecting their own behavior onto you.
denying conversations or events ever happened when they, in fact, did.
questioning your memory.
an abuser lying even when there is proof.
discrediting and spreading rumors about you.
using religion and compassionate and loving words as weapons.
Economic control and dependence tactics
Economic control: Abusers often exploit their victim's financial resources and independence to maintain power and control over them. Abusers use a range of financial tactics to trap domestic abuse victims and prevent them from leaving. Here are detailed examples:
Controlling bank accounts: Abusers often take complete control over joint bank accounts, denying the victim access to their own money. They may also monitor all transactions, ensuring the victim cannot use or save money.
Preventing employment: Abusers may forbid the victim from working, sabotage job opportunities by causing them to miss interviews or work, or harass them at their workplace. This prevents the victim from earning their own income and achieving financial independence.
Economic isolation: By isolating the victim from friends and family who might provide financial support, abusers ensure that the victim has no external sources of financial aid.
Accruing debt: Abusers may intentionally accrue debt in the victim’s name through credit cards, loans, evictions, or other financial means, damaging the victim's credit score and financial reputation. This makes it difficult for the victim to secure housing, loans, or even basic necessities independently.
Withholding necessities: Abusers may control access to basic necessities such as food, clothing, health care, and medicine, forcing the victim to rely on them for survival. This economic dependency makes it harder for the victim to leave.
Exploiting government benefits: Abusers may take control of government benefits such as welfare, disability payments, or child support, leaving the victim without these crucial resources.
Undermining education: Abusers might prevent victims from pursuing educational opportunities or training programs that could lead to better job prospects and financial independence.
Forced financial decisions: Victims may be coerced into making financial decisions that benefit the abuser, such as signing over property, taking out loans for the abuser, or investing in schemes that benefit the abuser but leave the victim financially vulnerable.
Hidden assets: Abusers may hide assets or income, leading victims to believe there is no financial means to support themselves independently. This misinformation creates a false sense of financial insecurity.
Legal costs: Threatening or initiating costly legal battles, such as custody disputes or frivolous lawsuits, drains the victim's financial resources and discourages them from leaving due to fear of financial ruin.
These tactics create a web of financial dependence and insecurity, making it extraordinarily difficult for victims to gather the resources needed to leave an abusive relationship and start anew. Additionally, socioeconomic factors, including poverty and lack of affordable housing, can further trap victims, as financial dependence becomes a significant barrier to being able to escape an abusive partner.
Physical threat tactics
Physical threat tactics: Abusers employ various physical threat tactics to intimidate, control, and exert power and dominance over their victims. These tactics are specifically used to keep victims in constant fear for their safety and the safety of their loved ones and to prevent victims from seeking help. Examples of physical threat tactics include:
Threatening harm: Many abusers threaten to kill their victims or threaten to harm their children if they leave.
Displaying weapons: Showing or brandishing weapons like guns, knives, or other dangerous objects to intimidate the victim.
Damaging property: Many abusers damage or destroy the victim's belongings, such as smashing their phone, breaking furniture, or vandalizing their car, to exert control and create a sense of danger.
Harming pets: Threatening to harm or harming pets as a means of exerting control and demonstrating the abuser's willingness to cause harm.
Stalking: Following or monitoring the victim's movements, both physically and through technology, to create a pervasive sense of being watched and unable to escape.
Physical restraint: Physically preventing the victim from leaving the home or a specific area by locking doors, blocking exits, or using force to detain them.
Fear tactics
Fear tactics: Abusers use a variety of fear tactics to keep their victims from leaving, including:
Legal threats: Many abusers employ legal threats, such as threatening to take away custody of children, threatening to report the victim to authorities for false accusations, threatening deportation if the victim is an immigrant, etc.
Threats of violence: Explicitly threatening to harm the victim, their children, family members, or friends if they attempt to leave.
Intimidation: Using menacing looks, gestures, or actions to instill fear, such as smashing objects, destroying property, or harming pets.
Humiliation: Abusers will threaten to humiliate a partner by disclosing embarrassing information or spreading lies and rumors about them publicly.
Stalking and surveillance: Following the victim, monitoring their phone calls, emails, and social media, or showing up unexpectedly to create a constant sense of being watched and controlled.
Suicide threats: Threatening to harm or kill themselves if the victim leaves, creating guilt and fear of being responsible for the abuser's actions.
Outing LGBTQ: Abusers will threaten to out an LGBTQ partner who isn’t out.
These tactics create a pervasive environment of fear, entrapment, and dependency, making it extremely difficult for victims to leave the abusive relationship.
Summary
Domestic abuse victims face numerous unique barriers when considering and attempting to leave an abusive partner, often making the process incredibly daunting and dangerous.
Financial dependency is a significant obstacle, as many abusers control their partner's access to money, leaving victims without the resources needed to support themselves independently. Emotional manipulation and psychological abuse, such as gaslighting, can erode a victim's self-esteem and sense of reality, making them believe they are incapable of surviving on their own. Fear of retaliation is another critical barrier; abusers frequently threaten increased violence or harm to the victim, their children, or loved ones if they attempt to leave. Additionally, social isolation imposed by the abuser can leave victims without a supportive network to turn to, compounding feelings of helplessness and entrapment. Legal and systemic challenges, such as inadequate protection from law enforcement or the courts, further complicate the situation, making the prospect of leaving seem insurmountable.
Victims’ fears that their abuser’s threats will be carried out if they leave are absolutely founded. Your risk of being killed by an abusive partner increases significantly while you are leaving or after leaving.
Challenging victim-blaming mentalities and providing non-judgmental support to victims is crucial in dismantling the barriers that perpetuate domestic violence. We all have a role to play in creating safe and supportive communities where victims feel empowered to seek help and break free from abusive partners safely and with adequate support. By educating ourselves on the realities of partner abuse, we can end the stigma, shame, and blame victims often feel. By recognizing the signs of abuse beyond physical marks and taking them just as seriously, we can support victims before they are in more danger.
We can literally change the world if we collectively shift our perspective and mentality from “Why don’t they just leave?” to “What’s the abuser doing to prevent them from leaving?”
If you have an abusive partner or have a loved one you are concerned about, myPlan has a research-validated assessment to determine your risk factors for serious violence or homicide. It’s awful to think about, but many people don’t know how dangerous a partner truly is or can be.