How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
Hey, we’re glad you’re here. We know it’s incredibly difficult and concerning to suspect or know a friend is in a toxic relationship. You may wonder, "Is there anything I can do to help?” or worry, "Maybe I should just stay out of it?”
Your support for a friend with an abusive partner can make a huge difference.
It's essential to approach your friend with compassion and patience. Here are some of the best ways you can help a friend who’s in a toxic relationship:
1. Create safety
Abusive people are masters at stealing their partner’s sense of safety and eroding their support networks. Establishing yourself as a safe and supportive person for your friend counters an abuser’s behavior. You can be the Antidote just by letting your friend know that you care about their safety and are there to support them without judgment.
Right now, your friend is likely blaming themselves for their partner’s toxic behavior and is afraid of being judged. Our society and abusive people already do enough of this blaming and judgment; it does not help to add more fuel to the fire. An abuser hopes you will blame, shame, and question your friend’s choices because doing so can further isolate your friend from outside support, which is what an abusive person wants.
Your friend might be making choices you don’t understand and disagree with. Your job is to convey to your friend that you are a person they can come to, who will be there without judgment. Abuse in a relationship usually gets worse over time. Your friend may not need you now, but it can make a world of difference if they know you are there when they need support later.
Become the Antidote. Be a safe person for your friend. Let them know you're there for them, support them, and care about them.
Ideas for what to say to the friend you’re concerned about:
“I’ve been worried about you after that fight you told me about. If there’s anything I can ever do to support you, I’m here for you.”
“I saw the way [they] looked at you, and you seemed scared. I care about you and want to make sure you are ok. If you ever need to talk, call me anytime.”
2. Listen more than you talk
If your friend talks to you about their toxic partner, it’s easy to go into detective mode, where you ask questions, or into savior mode, where you start problem-solving and giving advice. It's essential to let your friend share their experiences at their own pace and for you to not tell them what to do. Patience, young grasshopper.
Avoid interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. Focus on simply being with your friend in the moment, validating their feelings and experiences.
Don’t bad-mouth the abusive partner. Talking sh*t about the partner could make your friend defensive. Focus on your friend, their feelings, safety, and well-being.
You could say supportive phrases like:
"That sounds incredibly difficult."
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."
“You deserve to feel valued and safe in your relationship; everyone does.”
“You are not alone; I’m here for you.”
“Thank you for talking to me and trusting I am here to support you.”
“Is there anything I can do to support you?”
3. Stay calm, don’t pressure, and don’t judge
It’s common to want to tell a friend to leave their toxic partner, but ending an abusive relationship is complex and often dangerous. Telling your friend to leave or pressuring them to make decisions can make them feel more trapped and isolated. Don’t let your good intentions backfire on you. Remember, be the Antidote.
As much as you want to rescue your friend, we cannot stress enough that your friend is the only person who can make decisions about their relationship and must be supported to do so on their own terms. Your role is to offer support, not dictate their actions. Instead of saying, “You need to leave,” try, “I’m here for you no matter what.”
4. Educate yourself
Educating yourself on the dynamics and types of abuse is a great start. Learning about different forms of abuse and the cycle of violence will help you better understand what your friend is experiencing.
Being the caring friend you are, it can be hard to comprehend why someone you care about would stay in an abusive relationship. Educating yourself about how abusers prevent their victims from leaving can help you understand how complicated and possibly dangerous ending a relationship with an abusive person can be.
Learning more can help you empathize with your friend and help you focus on supporting their safety and well-being rather than pushing “leaving” as the answer. This will make it more likely that your friend will turn to you for support when they are in need. Arming yourself with knowledge is power.
5. Offer practical support and resources
There are many practical ways to support your friend if you suspect they are in an abusive relationship, including offering them a place to stay, helping with transportation, or assisting with pet or childcare. If they're considering leaving an unhealthy relationship, you can ask them how you can best support them during this time and brainstorm ways to stay safe.
You can ask them if they want help making a safety plan, which means creating a plan in advance to stay as safe and healthy as possible and planning for what to do if abuse escalates. Here’s a guide on how to make a safety plan. If your friend is open to it, you can help them find ways to stay safe. This might include packing a “go bag,” having emergency contacts, obtaining a “burner phone,” saving/storing money, identifying safe places to go, making copies and having access to important documents, etc.
Domestic violence and dating violence (DV) resources are available. If your friend is up for it, you can find or provide them with information about local hotlines, shelters, and support groups. DV advocates are trained to provide support, safety planning, and resources. Your friend doesn't have to be ready to DO anything; they can just talk (often by phone, text, or chat) to someone anonymously. DV organizations are also for friends and family. You can contact these resources for safety planning information and info on your friend’s behalf if they're comfortable with that. Remember, respect your friend’s decisions and remind them that you support them no matter what they decide to do or not do.
We always advise reaching out to a domestic violence organization or working with a domestic violence advocate to help create a safety plan. Still, we recognize access to these resources may not always be feasible. myPlan is a safety planning app, an option if your friend isn’t ready to talk to someone yet. It’s also for concerned friends and family, like yourself, to get support for a friend with an abusive partner.
Summary
You found this blog and read it because you are an awesome, caring friend. If you take anything away from this article, remember to be the Antidote.
Your friend may not be ready to end their relationship, and it could take several attempts for them to leave. Fight the urge to rescue your friend and question their choices. Remaining patient, respecting their choices, and continuing to be a safe person is really the best thing you can do to help a friend with a toxic partner. Slow and steady wins the race.
Lastly (and importantly), take care of yourself. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining. Ensure you're taking care of your well-being and seek support from trusted friends, family members, a hotline, or a therapist if needed.
